September 27th, 2009

mcavoy sad

reality screws my notions; doesn't call back the next morning.

let's run through this nudist colony train wreck.
funny how these things turn out and round. once becky is a friend of mine.. and now becky was a friend of mine, and i'm left completely doubting my childhood. i'm left yearning for the validation of its sincerity. when did our conversations become viral? when did things get so pornographic?  perspiring and you're trying to recolor your anxieties, but you're still naked. and now i'm just as dirty as all of this insinuates, like getting caught with my dick out. but then i stop for a second and think maybe, just maybe, WAIT, maybe becky is a metaphor, maybe it's satirical, an offset of my quirky co-existential perception! but then i remember that this is my life, with becky was a friend of mine. why the hell did i delude myself, did i really think my friends were exclusive to me? what do i expect after the 9 or 10 years we've known each other? people get bored, i know, because i'm people too. and then i feel really very self involved, and the heat of the sun is biting as it doses in tighter with each revolution. around me of course. because i'm so self involved. and it's just ridiculous how the sun turns, because it's all relative really. to becky, i might just be pluto, so self righteous and indulging in my technical planetary acknowledgment, but then she knows that i'm really small and insecure. but who the fuck cares. becky was a friend of mine not because i don't trust her anymore, it's because she thinks she has my genomes mapped out, but what the hell does she expect me to do? the stars will die out and the earth will revolve around the sun, and the DNA of the universe isn't going to realign because someone thinks they've figured it out. and then becky was a friend of mine because she forgets and avoids the risk of the cosmos collapsing on itself if it becomes self aware. well i'm not the earth, and i'm not pluto, and i'm not the universe, and this is definitely not a metaphor. so why doesn't becky be as real to me as she wants me to be real to her?

and becky was a friend of mine, and now she's just another synechdoche. and she's not beautiful the way she was.